Have you ever been in a room crowded full of people and felt like everything around you was moving in slow motion?

The loud music playing in the background becomes an echoey dull thud in the distance.

Then everything stands still and becomes silent.

(fade to black.)

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And for a moment you don’t know if you are dreaming or if you are still awake.

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I wonder if this what it feels like to be totally alone. To feel totally disconnected. From everyone and everything.

I wonder if Jesus ever felt like this. I wonder as He prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane when all this disciples lay sleeping only a stones throw away, how alone He must of felt. Oblivious to them the turmoil Jesus was feeling as He knew what lay ahead. That one close to Him would betray Him and that in turn would lead Him to His Destiny. It would lead Him to the sacrifice He made for all mankind.

Jesus was alone in the garden.

I find solace in knowing this.

I find solace in knowing that Jesus has been there, He has felt this, He was let down by those He loved. And yet He overcame. He knows what its like to ache to the very depths of His bones to the extent that blood perspired from His temples.

Sometimes I think we need those places. Those alone places. Those places where stripped back to nothingness, with no people, no things or places to be to occupy our mind, to have nothing but only space to reckon with God. Its these places where I wonder if I feel more human.

I had to grapple with this concept for a couple days. The aloneness. This feeling of disconnection. I had to tussle with these thoughts and feelings of “What is wrong with me?” till I came to the realisation that there is nothing wrong with me.

So I left the crowd and the noise, and walked myself out into the dark dim lamp lit street.

Theres something about Perth city in the still of the night. Maybe its a combination of the tall skyscrapers reflecting shades of neon lights and the still quiet of the street. No hustle and bustle. Just a quiet humming of streetlights casting its yellow hues.

So I drove. The refrains of “wherever you go I will follow you… ” by Everything But The Girl playing on the stereo. I wasn’t sure where I was going but I wanted to see the city. Speckles of people laughing as they littered out of restaurants onto street corners. I drove to all my favorite places. I drove past The Moon Cafe peering inside the front windows. Undecided if I should go inside alone, I kept driving.

As I drove down the freeway homeward bound, I thought about how I was feeling. The disconnection.

And I thought about how proberly more than anything it really just highlighted how much I truely am made in His image. That I was created to feel connection. And without this connection I was created for, I felt empty. I wonder if Jesus felt the same way as He knelt praying, sweating blood as those close to Him were asleep and oblivious.

Its a deep dry dull ache.

But this dull ache indicates a God created DNA. My genetic makeup for connection. It reminds me I was created to be connected to Him.